Arguments can be challenging, but when you’re up against a covert narcissist, they can be downright perplexing. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists often use subtle, manipulative tactics to maintain control while keeping their intentions hidden. Recognizing these tactics is crucial for preserving your emotional well-being and setting boundaries effectively.
In this article, we’ll delve into six common phrases covert narcissists use during arguments, uncover their hidden meanings, and provide strategies to handle them like a pro.
1. “You’re Too Sensitive”
This phrase is a classic weapon in the covert narcissist’s arsenal. By labeling your feelings as an overreaction, they shift the focus away from their behavior and onto you. The goal is to make you second-guess your emotions and feel invalidated.
Hearing this during an argument can leave you questioning your perception of reality. Are you genuinely overreacting, or is this a manipulative tactic? Often, it’s the latter.
To counter this, reaffirm your feelings without engaging in their blame game. A calm response like, “My feelings are valid, and I’d like to discuss them,” can disrupt their tactic. This approach shifts the dynamic, emphasizing your confidence in your emotions.
2. “I Never Said That”
Covert narcissists are masters of gaslighting, and this phrase is a textbook example. By denying they ever said something, they aim to confuse you and make you doubt your memory.
Imagine revisiting a hurtful comment only to hear, “I never said that.” It’s frustrating and disorienting, designed to derail the argument and force you into a defensive stance.
The key to handling this tactic is to remain composed and stick to the facts. Keep a mental or written record of significant conversations if needed. Instead of arguing about who said what, focus on the issue at hand. For example, “Regardless of the exact words, this is how it made me feel. Let’s address that.”
3. “You’re Just Trying to Make Me Look Bad”
When cornered, covert narcissists often deflect by portraying themselves as victims. This phrase is their way of flipping the script, making the argument about your alleged intent to harm them rather than their actions.
It’s a strategic move to evade accountability. If they successfully shift the focus, you may find yourself defending your motives instead of addressing their behavior.
To neutralize this tactic, stay centered on the issue. Acknowledge their feelings without conceding the point: “It’s not about making you look bad; it’s about resolving this issue together.” This approach maintains the conversation’s focus and minimizes their ability to derail it.
4. “I Don’t Want to Fight About This”
On the surface, this may seem like a reasonable statement, but covert narcissists often use it to shut down discussions. By framing the argument as unnecessary conflict, they invalidate your concerns and avoid accountability.
This tactic can leave you feeling dismissed and unheard. Your attempts to address issues are reframed as instigating conflict, creating frustration and confusion.
The best response is to calmly assert the importance of the discussion. You might say, “I don’t see this as a fight, but as a conversation we need to have to move forward.” This approach reframes the situation as constructive rather than confrontational.
5. “You Always Do This”
Generalizations like this are another favorite tool of covert narcissists. By accusing you of habitual negative behavior, they divert attention from the current issue and place you on the defensive.
The broad and vague nature of statements like “You always do this” makes them difficult to counter. It’s a blanket criticism meant to undermine your confidence and shift the power dynamic in their favor.
Address this tactic by steering the conversation back to specifics. Respond with something like, “Can you give me an example? Let’s focus on what happened today.” This redirects the argument to the present moment, making it harder for them to rely on vague accusations.
Also Read: 7 Truths About Self-Aware Narcissists and Their Behavior
6. “I’m Only Saying This Because I Care About You”
This phrase is particularly insidious because it’s cloaked in feigned concern. Covert narcissists use it to justify hurtful or critical comments, presenting themselves as well-meaning while delivering emotional blows.
Underneath the guise of care, their words often carry a subtext of judgment or control. This tactic leaves you feeling guilty for questioning their motives and hesitant to push back.
The best way to handle this is to separate the message from the intent. Respond with curiosity and firmness: “I appreciate your concern, but I’d like to understand why you think this is helpful.” This approach holds them accountable while maintaining the conversation’s focus on resolution.
How to Protect Yourself
Recognizing these manipulative phrases is only the first step. Here’s how you can protect yourself and maintain your emotional balance during arguments with a covert narcissist:
- Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your limits and stick to them. For example, if a conversation turns unproductive or hurtful, express your intention to revisit it later.
- Stay Calm: Covert narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. By staying calm, you deny them the satisfaction of controlling your emotions and keep the conversation productive.
- Seek Support: Sharing your experiences with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide perspective and help you navigate these challenges effectively.
- Trust Your Perception: Manipulative tactics are designed to make you doubt yourself. Trust your instincts and validate your emotions, even when they try to undermine them.
- Know When to Walk Away: Some arguments are simply not worth your energy. If you feel the conversation is going in circles or becoming toxic, it’s okay to disengage.
- Also Read: 7 Traits of the Egopath Narcissist and Circle of Devoted Followers
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a covert narcissist in arguments can be draining and confusing, but awareness is your greatest ally. By understanding their tactics and learning how to respond, you can protect yourself from manipulation and maintain control of the conversation.
The next time you hear one of these phrases, remember: their words are not a reflection of your worth, but a mirror of their insecurities. With patience and practice, you can navigate these challenges with confidence and clarity.
