Narcissism is a term often tossed around in everyday conversations, but understanding the inner workings of narcissists—especially when it comes to empathy, remorse, and their ability to feel sorry—requires deeper exploration. At first glance, it may seem like narcissists are incapable of feeling sorry, as their behavior often appears self-centered, cold, and disconnected from the feelings of others. But is it possible that they do feel sorry, and if so, what does that look like?
In this article, we’ll take a close look at the psychology of narcissism, explore whether narcissists can feel sorry, and dive into how they truly process their emotions. You’ll also gain insight into how to deal with narcissists if you find yourself in relationships with them—whether personal or professional.
What Is Narcissism, Anyway?
Before we dive into the main question, let’s first define narcissism.
Narcissism refers to a personality trait or disorder that involves an inflated sense of one’s own importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It’s part of the wider spectrum of personality disorders, and in extreme cases, it can develop into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Narcissists often see the world through a self-centered lens, believing that their needs, desires, and feelings are more important than others. As a result, they may struggle to empathize with those around them, and their actions can come across as selfish or even hurtful.
Can Narcissists Feel Sorry?
The big question: Do narcissists feel sorry?
The answer is complex, and it depends on the type of narcissist and the situation at hand. Narcissists have difficulty with empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Empathy plays a significant role in feeling guilt or remorse—two emotions often tied to the ability to apologize sincerely.
Let’s break down why narcissists might struggle to feel sorry:
1. Lack of Empathy
A key trait of narcissism is a lack of true empathy. Narcissists are not necessarily unable to recognize others’ feelings, but they often don’t connect with or care about them. Instead of feeling guilty about how their actions impact others, they are more likely to focus on their own feelings and how others affect them. This makes genuine remorse a rare experience.
For example, imagine a narcissist makes a hurtful comment. They might recognize that the comment upset the other person, but their focus will likely shift to how it made them feel or how it affected their image, rather than truly acknowledging the pain they caused.
2. Superficial Apologies
While narcissists can sometimes say “sorry,” their apologies tend to be shallow and self-serving. These apologies often aim to maintain their image or avoid conflict rather than to genuinely atone for their behavior. A narcissist might apologize to regain control of a situation, but it’s often not because they are truly sorry for their actions.
If a narcissist apologizes, it’s likely to sound like:
- “I’m sorry if you were hurt.”
- “I didn’t mean to upset you, but…”
Notice the focus is on the other person’s feelings and not on the actual wrongdoing. It’s a subtle way to shift the blame back onto the other person.
3. Guilt vs. Shame
There’s a crucial distinction between guilt and shame that plays a role here. Guilt is the feeling that arises when someone recognizes they’ve done something wrong and feels remorse. Shame, on the other hand, is about feeling bad for who they are as a person.
Narcissists are more prone to feeling shame than guilt. They may feel embarrassed if their behavior negatively impacts their reputation or social standing, but they might not feel guilty for actually hurting someone. This means that any apology or “sorry” moment they express may not stem from remorse but from the discomfort of their damaged self-image.
4. Rationalizing Their Behavior
Narcissists often rationalize or justify their actions rather than acknowledge wrongdoing. They may view their behavior as entirely justified, believing that they deserve special treatment or that they’re simply reacting to others’ shortcomings. In their eyes, they may never actually do anything wrong—they’re simply misunderstood.
For example, a narcissistic boss may berate an employee publicly and then justify it by saying, “I was just trying to help them do better.” The idea of “hurting someone” doesn’t align with their worldview, so they won’t apologize in the traditional sense.
So, What Do Narcissists Really Think About Apologies?
While narcissists may not often feel genuine remorse, they do have a unique perspective on apologies. It’s essential to understand that a narcissist’s view on apologies often revolves around self-preservation and control.
1. Apologies as a Power Play
To narcissists, apologies can be a means to maintain dominance or avoid losing face. If they’ve done something that threatens their public image or social standing, they might offer a quick apology to regain control of the situation and to ensure that others still see them in a positive light.
In relationships, whether romantic, familial, or professional, narcissists often use apologies strategically. They might apologize only to manipulate the other person into thinking they’ve changed or to distract them from the real issues.
2. The Absence of Sincere Remorse
When a narcissist apologizes, it is often transactional. They might apologize to end an uncomfortable situation, but their apology usually lacks the emotional depth that comes with true remorse. The apology might feel hollow, leaving you with more questions than answers.
For example, a narcissist might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but their words don’t match their actions. They might not show any effort to change their behavior in the future, making the apology feel insincere.
How Narcissists Handle Conflict
While they may not apologize in the traditional sense, narcissists do know how to navigate conflict, especially when it serves their interests. Here are a few ways narcissists deal with conflict:
- Deflecting Blame: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. They will blame others or external factors instead of owning up to their mistakes.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a tactic where the narcissist manipulates someone into questioning their perception of reality. This is often used when a narcissist wants to avoid accountability for their actions.
- Silent Treatment: If a narcissist feels cornered or criticized, they may resort to the silent treatment—refusing to engage with the person they’ve hurt until the situation blows over.
Dealing with Narcissists and Their Apologies
Understanding that narcissists may not offer genuine apologies can help you manage relationships with them more effectively. Here are some tips for handling these dynamics:
- Set Boundaries: Be clear about what behavior you will tolerate and what you won’t. Narcissists often test boundaries, so it’s crucial to stand firm.
- Don’t Expect Sincere Apologies: Don’t hold out hope for a heartfelt apology. Recognize that narcissists may not have the emotional capacity to offer one.
- Protect Your Emotional Well-Being: Engage with narcissists in a way that minimizes emotional harm. Keep your interactions brief and avoid getting caught in manipulative games.
Conclusion
To sum it up: narcissists can feel sorry in certain situations, but their version of “sorry” is often superficial and self-serving. Their inability to empathize with others, combined with their tendency to rationalize their behavior, makes it hard for them to experience true remorse. As a result, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to manage your expectations and focus on setting clear boundaries to protect yourself. Understanding narcissism can help you navigate these complex relationships with greater clarity and resilience.
