If you’ve ever felt emotionally tangled with someone who always seems to keep you just out of reach, you might be dealing with a narcissist. These individuals often use manipulative tactics to draw you in and keep you hooked. Knowing their playbook can help you break free from the constant push and pull. Here are five devious things narcissists do to keep you around—and how you can recognize and counter these behaviors.
1. Love Bombing: The Fairy Tale Start That’s Too Good to Be True
Love bombing is one of the hallmark tactics narcissists use to sweep you off your feet. Imagine this: you’ve just met someone who makes you feel like the most important person in the world. They shower you with affection, compliments, and promises of a future together. It feels magical, and you’re drawn in, thinking you’ve found “the one.”
But love bombing is a calculated move. Narcissists use it to create an emotional high, making you crave the excitement and validation they provide. Once they know you’re hooked, they pull back. This sudden shift leaves you wondering what went wrong, leading you to seek that initial thrill again. In reality, they’re just laying the groundwork for control.
Recognize It: If you feel like your relationship is moving unusually fast or if their affection feels intense but shallow, it’s time to slow down. Healthy relationships take time to build; real love grows steadily and isn’t dependent on over-the-top gestures.
2. Gaslighting: Making You Doubt Your Reality
Gaslighting is a psychological tactic narcissists use to distort your perception of reality. They’ll make you question your memories, feelings, and instincts by downplaying your concerns or outright denying things they’ve done.
For instance, if you confront them about hurtful behavior, they might respond with, “You’re too sensitive,” or “That never happened.” Over time, this constant dismissal erodes your confidence, making you dependent on their version of events and reality.
Recognize It: Trust your instincts. If you start feeling like you’re losing touch with your own thoughts or perceptions, it’s a red flag. Keep a journal of interactions to validate your experiences. Sharing your feelings with trusted friends can also help you gain perspective and reality-check situations.
3. Intermittent Reinforcement: The Push and Pull of Unpredictable Affection
Narcissists master the art of intermittent reinforcement—an unpredictable cycle of affection and withdrawal that keeps you chasing their approval. They might give you affection one day and act cold the next without explanation. This erratic behavior keeps you emotionally off-balance, making you constantly work for their approval.
This tactic is similar to how slot machines work. You keep “playing,” hoping for the next win, but you’re unsure when it will come. It’s this uncertainty that makes their affection addictive, turning the relationship into a relentless emotional rollercoaster.
Recognize It: Healthy relationships don’t keep you guessing. Consistency is a hallmark of genuine affection. If your partner’s behavior feels like a pattern of highs and lows, it’s likely they’re using intermittent reinforcement to keep you emotionally tied to them.
4. Triangulation: Stirring Jealousy and Competition
Triangulation involves drawing other people into your relationship dynamic to make you feel insecure and on edge. A narcissist might talk about an ex-partner or a new friend in ways that make you feel like you’re constantly competing for their attention. By creating this sense of rivalry, they can manipulate you into working harder to “earn” their love and approval.
This tactic is particularly harmful because it creates a sense of isolation. You may feel that your relationship is constantly under threat, leading you to tolerate toxic behaviors in an attempt to “win” their loyalty.
Recognize It: Pay attention to how they talk about others and if it’s designed to make you feel less valued. In a healthy relationship, your partner should uplift you and make you feel secure, not pit you against others. Don’t fall into the trap of competing for their attention; no relationship should require you to “win” someone’s love.
5. Hoovering: Pulling You Back When You Try to Leave
When you’ve finally had enough and start to distance yourself, a narcissist might suddenly pull you back in. This tactic is known as “hoovering” (like the vacuum cleaner), and it’s their attempt to suck you back into the relationship.
Hoovering might look like an apology, a promise to change, or a grand gesture designed to make you second-guess your decision to leave. They might say things like, “I realize now what I did wrong,” or, “I can’t live without you.” This tactic works because it preys on your hope that they’ll change, especially when they seem genuinely regretful.
Recognize It: Remember that consistent patterns matter more than temporary promises. If their “apologies” don’t result in real, lasting change, they’re likely just trying to manipulate you into staying. Stand firm in your decision to leave if their behavior hasn’t improved over time.
Final Thoughts: Breaking Free from the Narcissist’s Grip
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like you’re trapped in an emotional maze, constantly trying to keep up with their shifting behavior. However, recognizing these tactics—love bombing, gaslighting, intermittent reinforcement, triangulation, and hoovering—can empower you to take back control.
If you suspect that your partner is using any of these techniques, trust your instincts and consider setting boundaries. Reclaiming your emotional independence is the first step toward freeing yourself from the grip of a toxic relationship.
Take your time to reflect, talk to trusted friends or a therapist, and know that you deserve a relationship where you’re valued, respected, and cherished without manipulation.
